May 1 - I got the call that I had hoped would never come, but worried about every time the phone rang. My Dad, had suffered another massive heart attack. 4 years before it was a miracle that brought him back from the first one. The call was the same as when it first happened, it was late at night, he had collapsed, was unconscious and the paramedics were working on him. Both times someone was home and the paramedics responded very quickly. The first time I was very hopeful and within a few minutes received another call that they got his heart beating again. Much of that night was spent pacing back and forth down the hospital halls. It was a long road to recovery, we spent almost every day of the following month at the hospital. The stress of everything was definitely helped by the continuous revolving door of family members over that month. His prognosis went from never waking up, to not being able to move, to not being able to speak, but he surprised everyone and had an almost full recovery. This time, while the phone call was the same, the feeling was different. I could feel it in my heart that it wasn't going to be ok. The second phone call confirmed my feeling - My Dad had passed away at only 59 years old. I felt like I should have been at the hospital pacing the halls, hugging family, and hoping for the best. And while a lot of time was spent grieving with family in the days following, it wasn't the same as the "revolving door" at the hospital. No one knows the right things to say and the responsibilities are so much more. But, with the support of my friends and family, life is getting back to a new normal. I miss him more than words can describe. He would have been an amazing grandfather and I am so sad that he never got the chance.
Love you Dad!
May 10 - I had stayed home from work because I was having a really hard time that day dealing with the death of my Dad. I spent most of the day laying in bed. Steve came home from school at around 2:30 and laid on the bed with me in an attempt to cheer me up. We were talking, Steve was making silly jokes, it was helping. I didn't really notice when Steve got up and was rooting around in the closet. We were still talking, so I thought nothing of it. When he climbed back into bed, I rolled over to face him and continue our conversation. I can't even remember what we were talking about. Before I knew it he had a ring box open in his hand and he asked me to marry him. I started crying and giggling, I didn't know how to react. Not because I didn't know the answer, but because I was so happy. Of course I said YES!! He had been holding on to the ring since Easter waiting for the right time to pop the question. He felt awful that he didn't do it before my Dad passed away, but how could he have known. My Dad would be so happy! The proposal totally wasn't what I had expected, but that's what made it so great. With Steve's problem of not keeping Christmas presents a secret, I thought I would have seen this coming from a mile away.....and if you can believe it, I was at the mall with him when he bought the ring and I didn't know a thing. I can't wait to marry the love of my life! Well I guess I can.... until July anyway.
With the help of family, I spent a lot of time leading up to my Dad's memorial collecting photos and stories of him. I put together a scrapbook/guestbook for people to look at and write messages at the memorial. This left my scrapbook desk covered in remnants of this book, including photos of him. It was very difficult to clean up, and therefore it sat like that for a few months. Now with wedding planning thrown in the mix my desk is a disaster of fabric swatches, paint chips and invitation samples. I would really like to start scrapbooking again. I think it would help me with all of the stress I have been having. But, I don't know where to start. I am going to try to clean up this week and do a major de-stash. Maybe a clean slate is just what I need. Hopefully you will see some new projects from me soon :)