I Struggle - #BellLetsTalk

My mental health struggles are not something I generally talk about, but in an effort to help myself and hopefully others, I am going to share a little bit here.

Today is Bell Let's Talk Day - it is an initiative to remove the stigma surrounding mental health problems. Hopefully it results in more people talking about mental health and shows others that they can reach out too if they are struggling.

This time last year as a result of Let's Talk Day, someone very close to me reached out about their struggles, and are still here today because they were able to get help.

This year, I am struggling. Almost everything in my life is going well, but I still struggle. Many things in the past year that were causing me great anxiety have resolved, but I still struggle. My inner dialogue is not a nice one - "If everything is going right, why do I feel so bad", "you shouldn't feel this way", "snap out of it already!". I am very good at taking care of everyone else, but when everyone else is doing ok, and I have to turn around and look at myself, that's when things fall apart. Over the past few months, my issues came to a head. I was getting anxious almost everyday, sometimes turning into full blown panic attacks. "I am an idiot", "why can't I calm down", "it's so stupid that anxiety is stopping me from doing everyday things". I would get so angry at myself, so angry that panic attacks turned into fits of rage "what's wrong with me", "make it stop", "I hate myself", "I can't do anything right!". The anxiety also turned in to checking, lots of checking, and then irrational thoughts - "what if I put my cat in the dryer", "what if when I was checking the stove, I accidentally turned on all the elements". Sometimes I drive away from my house and have to turn around to check everything just one more time. "you are being so ridiculous". I lost enjoyment in the things that I normally enjoy doing. I just stopped doing anything, because everything made me anxious, but doing nothing made me angry - angry at myself.

2 months ago, I broke down, I couldn't do it anymore. I took a week off  of work and I finally asked for help. I saw a psychologist - it was awful. I was prescribed meds - I didn't take them. I was in fight mode, and didn't trust that there was anything that could help. I felt hopeless. Then as a last ditch effort, I got in touch with Mental Health in my city. They provided me a caseworker and access to a psychiatrist and therapy - luckily it was just the help that I needed. My caseworker is awesome - finally someone that can understand me. She helps me to go easier on myself. I am working on changing my negative inner dialogue and it is really helping. I saw a psychiatrist, and he was really good to. I have been to psychiatrists before, and they are so quick to just write you a prescription. But this one actually listened and understood my fears. Things are starting to get better. I still struggle, I am still anxious a lot of the time, but it's not almost always anymore. I still check, but it's not nearly as bad. And I still get down on myself, but I have some better tools now to turn that around. I have OCD, Anxiety, and Fibromyalgia - all of these work together to make some days unbearable. But more days are good now. I've also started to do more things that I enjoy - and that helps too. "I am a good person", "I can do lots of things right", "I can do lots of things well", "It's ok to feel bad", "I don't need to be perfect".

If you are struggling too - it's ok, don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone can't be their best self everyday. But do get yourself help. You may have to try many different things, different doctors, counsellors etc. - just don't give up.

Here are some resources that have helped me:

http://www.sfu.ca/carmha/publications/relaxation-audio.html
http://www.anxietybc.com/self-help-cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt
http://thequietplaceproject.com/
http://www.get.gg/music/FirstAidPanicM.mp3

There are many other resources out there - feel free to post links if you have any to add :)

Where I Have Been...

There have been many changes happening in my and my family's life over the past 6 months. In May I stopped scrapbooking and therefore blogging. The month of May held two huge life events, each on the far opposite ends of the good/bad spectrum. Generally, I have not shared much of my personal life on my blog, but I believe that these 2 events warrant a mention.

 May 1 - I got the call that I had hoped would never come, but worried about every time the phone rang. My Dad, had suffered another massive heart attack. 4 years before it was a miracle that brought him back from the first one. The call was the same as when it first happened, it was late at night, he had collapsed, was unconscious and the paramedics were working on him. Both times someone was home and the paramedics responded very quickly. The first time I was very hopeful and within a few minutes received another call that they got his heart beating again. Much of that night was spent pacing back and forth down the hospital halls. It was a long road to recovery, we spent almost every day of the following month at the hospital. The stress of everything was definitely helped by the continuous revolving door of family members over that month. His prognosis went from never waking up, to not being able to move, to not being able to speak, but he surprised everyone and had an almost full recovery. This time, while the phone call was the same, the feeling was different. I could feel it in my heart that it wasn't going to be ok. The second phone call confirmed my feeling - My Dad had passed away at only 59 years old. I felt like I should have been at the hospital pacing the halls, hugging family, and hoping for the best. And while a lot of time was spent grieving with family in the days following, it wasn't the same as the "revolving door" at the hospital. No one knows the right things to say and the responsibilities are so much more. But, with the support of my friends and family, life is getting back to a new normal. I miss him more than words can describe. He would have been an amazing grandfather and I am so sad that he never got the chance.

Love you Dad!

May 10 - I had stayed home from work because I was having a really hard time that day dealing with the death of my Dad. I spent most of the day laying in bed. Steve came home from school at around 2:30 and laid on the bed with me in an attempt to cheer me up. We were talking, Steve was making silly jokes, it was helping. I didn't really notice when Steve got up and was rooting around in the closet. We were still talking, so I thought nothing of it. When he climbed back into bed, I rolled over to face him and continue our conversation. I can't even remember what we were talking about. Before I knew it he had a ring box open in his hand and he asked me to marry him. I started crying and giggling, I didn't know how to react. Not because I didn't know the answer, but because I was so happy. Of course I said YES!! He had been holding on to the ring since Easter waiting for the right time to pop the question. He felt awful that he didn't do it before my Dad passed away, but how could he have known. My Dad would be so happy! The proposal totally wasn't what I had expected, but that's what made it so great. With Steve's problem of not keeping Christmas presents a secret, I thought I would have seen this coming from a mile away.....and if you can believe it, I was at the mall with him when he bought the ring and I didn't know a thing. I can't wait to marry the love of my life! Well I guess I can.... until July anyway.

With the help of family, I spent a lot of time leading up to my Dad's memorial collecting photos and stories of him. I put together a scrapbook/guestbook for people to look at and write messages at the memorial. This left my scrapbook desk covered in remnants of this book, including photos of him. It was very difficult to clean up, and therefore it sat like that for a few months. Now with wedding planning thrown in the mix my desk is a disaster of fabric swatches, paint chips and invitation samples. I would really like to start scrapbooking again. I think it would help me with all of the stress I have been having. But, I don't know where to start. I am going to try to clean up this week and do a major de-stash. Maybe a clean slate is just what I need. Hopefully you will see some new projects from me soon :)